.png)
#DecolonisingWellbeing 🫂No community care without accountability and repair!
💔Expecting communities to be entirely free of conflict, disagreements, arguments, fights, and misalignments is unrealistic and counter to our human tendencies. Especially in a world we are trying to decolonise in tangible ways, we should not only face these human challenges, but anticipate them. We must remember that the end goal of our movements is liberation for all our intersectional causes, and a world where all can embrace our differences together. We will never get there without courageously facing each other in difficult times, as well as celebratory ones.
The missing ingredient in too many “decolonisation” and “liberation” movements throughout history has been a failure to maintain solidarity and unity, leading to fragmentation and setbacks. This is often as a result of a lack of accountability and repair practices to serve as checks and balances for the power of governments, socioeconomic elites, corporations, and political parties.
And sometimes, it is forgotten that systems of oppression can occur anywhere, in any community. From parents, to bosses, to landlords, to movement leaders, to even you or me, anyone can become an oppressor if we do not stay grounded.
🚓 Defensiveness, divisiveness and control are tactics rooted in fear and shame. Those are tools of the police, of dictators, and of the masters.
🕊️In contrast, accountability, repair, love, and openness are rooted in courage and liberation. These are the tools that will dismantle systems of oppression.
❤️🔥In the words of queer, Feminist, Black American writer and activist Audre Lorde, “the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house. They may allow us temporarily to beat him at his own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change. And this fact is only threatening to those women who still define the master’s house as their only source of support.” Even if we identify as ‘oppressed,’ we eventually become no different to our oppressors if we still use the master’s tools in our own communities.
*🚔The fear- and shame- based tools that built the Master’s House, rooted in individualism, patriarchy, and colonial/carceral mentality, might look like: Lies and manipulation. Emotional and physical violence. Propaganda and Psy-Ops. Censoring, silencing, and gaslighting others. Obsessive control, especially over those who are different to us. Lack of boundaries and respect for them, in ourselves and others. Creating an illusion of ‘peace,’ instead of working towards true liberation. Avoidance of reality. Attempting to create ‘community’ based on communal hatred. Punitive parenting, teaching, and coaching. Micromanaging. ‘Throwing others under the bus.’ Tearing down other marginalised peoples, e.g. ‘women tearing other women down.’ Unhealthy comparison and competition based on envy, jealousy, and fear. Hoarding power, wealth and resources. Obsession with status and reputation. Avoidance of self-reflection. Narcissism. Violent communication. Weaponisation of policy and law. Disingenuity. Hiding from accountability. Obsession, e.g. obsessive nationalism, perfectionism. Indoctrination. Following the models and systems of elites.
*🕊️In contrast, our tools - if we want to build our own Dream House, rooted in radical love, courage, and a liberatory mindset - might look more like: Truth. Balance. Kindness. Acceptance of the humanity of all, including that of ourselves. Learning. Unlearning. Consistently working towards liberation in tangible, human ways. Holding each other and ourselves accountable. Creating a community based on communal love and care. Gentle parenting, teaching, and coaching. Taking responsibility. Accepting each others’ differences. Welcoming in ourselves the full spectrum of human emotions. Feeling things. Humbling ourselves. Self reflecting. Open and kind communication. Using social conventions as guides for coexistence, rather than doctrine or universal truth. Welcoming multiple realities. Being proud of our identities without acting superior to others. Building the world we want based on these practices, and listening to the most marginalised peoples.
We all want communities founded on trust and solidarity - but these things must be earned through hard work - including through the adoption of accountability and repair practices. What might this look like?
1) Acknowledging harm clearly, as soon as possible, and recognise the need for accountability and repair
🚔Avoid using the Master’s tools, such as…
…expecting the people affected by our own wrongdoings to take responsibility for the impacts of the harm. Our wrongdoings are ours to make right!
…self-victimization, when we are the ones who did the harm.
…taking too much time to acknowledge harm. It is not easy to accept when we do something to hurt others. But remember that it is not others’ fault they were hurt by us, and they ultimately have to deal with the consequences of our actions. Without acknowledging harm as quickly and effectively as possible, others are likely to lose trust in us, and they deserve to do that.
…judging victims of our harms for their valid responses to it, even if they are not ‘socially acceptable’ or ‘palatable.’
…disrespecting victims’ boundaries (e.g. demanding conversations with victims while they are still healing from the impacts of your harm)
🕊️Stay grounded in our human values and try to…
…understand how causing harm does not only affect the direct recipients of our harm, but affects everyone around us.
…understand how long-unacknowledged harm makes communities unhealthy and dysfunctional.
…take active, prompt steps to acknowledge harm towards others as soon as we are aware of it, even if full accountability and reparations are not yet attainable. Accountability and reparations can take time; an acknowledgement of the harm can be an easy first step to take, to prevent a proliferation of pain.
…if you were not the one who directly caused or received the harm, take steps to offer solidarity to the recipient, and/or hold the perpetrator accountable, if it is safe and realistic to do so. Bystander behaviour plays a key role in perpetuating abuse. Silence is not neutrality - it is compliance.
…unlearn the individualistic idea that avoiding accountability is self-protection. Avoiding accountability is self- and community-destruction! Instead, let’s adopt the communal mentality that welcoming accountability and repair in all aspects of life is self-care as well as community care.
2) Taking responsibility for any harm one might have done (which might come in the form of an apology):
🚔Avoid using the Master’s tools, such as…
…avoiding confrontation, especially if we were the perpetrators ourselves.
…gaslighting victims of our harms.
…belittling or invalidating the experiences of victims of your harm (e.g. accusing them of having disproportionate responses, telling them ‘they asked for it’).
…deflecting responsibility (e.g. by overexplaining, making excuses for harmful behaviour, weaponizing others’ words and language, weaponizing your marginalised status or identity to excuse yourself).
🕊️Stay grounded in our human values and try to…
…truly, sincerely apologise.
…put pride aside and be vulnerable. When we do harm, we expose others to vulnerability. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable while we are apologising is necessary, as part of deferring power to those we harmed and humbling ourselves.
…if you received the harm - know that you deserve to advocate for yourself and demand responsibility. We all deserve to be heard, and to seek justice.
…if you received the harm - know your reality. Stay strong, and resist having your reality be skewed by gaslighting.
…remember to humanise everyone involved.
CHARACTERISTICS OF SUCCESSFUL APOLOGIES:
Taking full responsibility
Radically accepting that you did harm
Leading with love and the intention to make amends.
Expressing genuine regret
Welcoming open and honest discussion
Welcoming a reaffirmation of boundaries
Sensitivity to the context
Not weaponizing the apology
Letting go and forgiving oneself.
3) Offer genuine reparations:
🚔Avoid using the Master’s tools, such as…
…pretending nothing happened without acknowledgement or repair, even when the person who was hurt says they are fine. Pretending to be fine can be a trauma response. Someone pretending to be ‘fine’ might not reflect their inner reality.
…trying to solve issues with superficial reparations only, e.g. thinking that money will solve problems, trying to pacify oppressed peoples with symbolic acts of apology without tangible action toward repair.
🕊️Stay grounded in our human values and try to…
…gently ask those who were done wrong how they would like reparations, and give them the space and respect they need to express their needs. Repair might need to come in forms other than just a verbal apology, e.g. it might come in the form of tangible physical reparations, words of affirmation, or quality time.
…offer reparations for those who might have been indirectly affected by the harm. Harm affects the whole community (e.g. through vicarious trauma). Building a community requires this sort of action and recognition.
CREATIVE IDEAS FOR REPAIR/REPARATIONS FOR A COMMUNITY MEMBER:
Cooking a meal to share together.
Providing them with a safe space to cry and laugh together.
A thoughtful text or written letter.
Attempting to fix what you might have broken, whether it was something tangible or not, e.g. if you broke a possession that someone values, attempt to compensate for it; if you broke someone’s heart, do what you can to help or allow them to heal.
Giving them space and time.
4) Work to prevent further harm:
🚔Avoid using the Master’s tools, such as…
…retaliation.
…repeating the harm. Nothing breaks solidarity and trust more than frequent repetitions of the same harm, with no tangible efforts by the perpetrators to change.
...viewing harm as separate to the perpetrator and/or systemic issues.
…expecting instant forgiveness or impunity for future offenses. We must practice what we preach, and honour our apologies.
🕊️Stay grounded in our human values and try to…
…self-reflect on the roots of our harmful behaviours.
…learn about how harm breeds cycles and systems of oppression.
…communicate with our community members to learn about how they can best be approached in future, e.g. agree on ‘safe words,’ phrases, or signals, that community members can use to show each other that they feel activated, hurt, or triggered, in a way that does not require a lot of emotional labour.
…learn more about how different people express pain differently.
…prioritize accountability and repair practices in our community building
…forgive ourselves after we have done all we can to make amends. We are human, after all.
✊Oppression exists because of harm that nobody ever took accountability for, or offered reparations for. “Community,” “liberation,” and “decolonisation” are just buzzwords unless we actually put accountability and repair into practice. A ‘movement’ with no accountability or repair practices in place is nothing more than a hypocritical repackaging of existing oppressive systems. There can be no real community care without accountability and repair. Our movements won’t succeed without them.
*This was a big topic - stay tuned for more blogs where we unpack and decolonise our care and wisdom-sharing practices!
References: Dr. Jennifer Mullan, ‘Decolonizing Therapy’ (@decolonizingtherapy on X and Instagram); Audre Lorde, ‘The Master's Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master's House.’
#WeAreManushyan ♾️ Equal Human Beings
Comments